Thursday, January 07, 2010

IT'S OFFICIAL - SKOLNICK SAYS SAYONARA, SOONERS

Say it ain't so, Skolnick


NORMAN (Reuters)- Bleakness is never something to be embraced. And it was certainly bleak on this cold January day, when the most prolific philosopher to be seen in a generation decided to turn his back on the university who had welcomed him back only one year ago. At a press conference yesterday, Skolnick announced his intentions to forgo the final years of his amateur status, and pursue a career in professional philosophy.

"At this point, there is nothing left for me to accomplish at the collegiate level," he said. "I feel I have honed my philosophy to the point that I am going to declare myself eligible for April's Philosophical Draft. At this point, I have not contacted an agent, but I am willing to receive gifts from them. I am registered at Pottery Barn. And T. J. Maxx."

Let no one say this conclusion caught them off guard. From his website, www.iwant$$.com, to his constant tweets ("i turn pro soon," "i can't wait to get out of here," "i hope noone reads my twitter"), to his incomplete first semester, to his incessant taunting of professors ("nice try, no-brain," "not in my house"), to an injury riddled summer which made a spectator out of him.
Nevertheless, this leaves some large shoes to fill in Sooner country.

"Needless to say, he was always looking at his other options, and he felt that this best suited him," said a university spokesperson. "Are we distraught? Yes. Do we have a difficult time thinking of a reason to wake up in the morning? Of course. Is it even possible to begin to search for a replacement of someone so prolific? No. Do we have any reason to hope at all? I can't think of one."

It was depressing. But, for obvious reasons there is plenty hope to be had amongst the professional philosophy aficionados. And with the philosophical draft just around the corner, the league is abuzz with plenty of speculation on which team will be fortunate enough to select him.

"Oh, it's a forgone conclusion for sure. Skolnick will certainly be selected first," said one league GM. "The only question is which team will offer enough for a trade. The Nietzchites have the first choice, but they won't give it up without someone offering them the whole farm. They have been the philosophical dormats for awhile, now and they do not intend to stay there.

"Their other concern is Skolnick's philosophical style. The Nietzchites do have incentive to exchange their pick because their style does not mesh well with the abilities of Skolnick. They are afraid of corruption from the inside out. This, of course, leaves plenty of reason to speculate about others who are willing to deal for the choice- Wittgensteinians, Kierkegaardians, Cartesians."

The landscape of philosophy is in the process of a great change. On the brink of oblivion, it had been forgotten. Can it be saved, resurrected from the apathetic place it has in the minds of the public? Only time will tell, but for now, it looks like it will be worth the wait.

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