Friday, June 05, 2009

Movie Revision #2: Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith

Hello, Friends.

For the second installment, we will be discussing the third (and final) prequel to George Lucas' Star Wars Saga. As with the last time, the plot will be treated like a chess game. The premise is that one move is made to change it for the better. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, a few important details:
  • Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) is a whiny protector of the republic, whom everyone believes is going to be a great catalyst for change due to a misunderstood prophecy. If only I had a nickle for every time that happened.
  • In seeking to protect his wife, he accepts turning to the dark side, only he ends up killing her.
  • At no point in the story are we ever convinced that this querulous jedi will ever gain the capacity to turn into the Darth Vader we came to know in the plots of episodes IV, V, and VI.
We, of course, know that Anakin is supposed to embody the characteristics of Vader even at an early age. Does he ever reach more than that Seinfeld-esque high comedic pitch anger? I say no.
My advice is, if you're going for comedy, why not go for broke?

Move:

Insert G.O.B. Bluth as the new Anakin.



For those of you unfamiliar with Arrested Development, Gob (Will Arnett) is the eldest of the Bluth children, and brother of the main protagonist, Michael Bluth.

References can be found here, here, here.

This would fix the problem most people have with this movie, namely, Hayden Christensen's portrayal of such an iconic evil figure. What I encourage you to do next time is insert Will Arnett and some of his classic lines as Gob Bluth to enhance your viewing experience. I went ahead and did some of the work for you, recreating most of the last dialogues between OBI-WAN and ANAKIN:


OBI-WAN:

What are you doing here? Did that Queen of Naboo throw you out?

ANAKIN:

She's not that Senator, she's my Queen. And she's a senator or something.

OBI-WAN:

What's her first name? Quickly.

ANAKIN:

Crindee!

OBI-WAN:

Name's not Crindee, Anakin.

ANAKIN:

Ah, Mace Windu. Nope that's the Jedi. Well, Well, she's GOT a name. And I'm gonna find out what it is. And I'm gonna make a pun on it. And that's what I'll call her. Bad example: if her name's Leia, I'll call her Lame-O.

OBI-WAN:

You have allowed this Dark Lord to twist your mind until now . . . until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy.

ANAKIN:

Yeah, like the chosen one of the prophecy needs to worry about the Dark Side. COME ON!
Zero hour, Obi-Wan. It's the end of the line. I'm the chosen one. I'm sick of playing second fiddle. I'm always third in line for everything. I'm tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over. I have brought peace, justice, freedom, and security to my new Empire.

OBI-WAN:
Your new empire? Anakin, my allegiance is to the Republic ... to democracy.

ANAKIN:
Then there's me. The joker. The goofball. The Padawan.
[quickly makes a Jedi's gesture with his hands at OBI-WAN]

OBI-WAN:
I thought you were gonna do a little lightning ball there.


ANAKIN
:
I was. It didn't go off.



ANAKIN lashes out at OBI-WAN, and they begin a ferocious sword fight.
After much fighting, DARTH SIDIOUS discovers what remains of ANAKIN/DARTH VADER.


DARTH SIDIOUS:
Lord Vader, can you hear me?

DARTH VADER:
Yes, My Master.

DARTH VADER looks around the room.

DARTH VADER:
Where is Padme? Is she safe, is she all right?

DARTH SIDIOUS:
I'm afraid she died. ... it seems in your anger, you killed her.

DARTH VADER:
I've made a huge mistake...






I hope that now you can thoroughly enjoy Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
to its fullest. My apologies to those who are unfamiliar with either, but they say to write what you know...