The Three Weeks I Accidentally Became a Mormon

I left Oklahoma as one who was optimistic and hopeful for the world around me. I recently graduated from college, going straight into a coaching job in a small town in southeastern Kansas. Moving from a decently sized suburb to a town of roughly nine thousand has its share of adjustments, but it is my firm belief that you can have an enjoyable time and fit in anywhere as long as you surround yourself with good, genuine people.

Stories

I have been on a nearly 2 year hiatus from writing on a (somewhat) public forum. In order to counteract this apathy, I have decided to begin by transcribing some of my personal experiences. I will try to tell these stories to the best of my recollection and as they come to mind. I enjoy fiction, but sometimes some of the best material comes from walking on this foreign land we call Earth.

The Anti-Hipster Manifesto

or: Confessions of an Anti-Hipster; or

The Anti-Hipster Apology; or

Why Would I Drink PBR?;



other working titles: Meaninglessness and its effects on nothing.



Anti-Hipster:

Often mistaken as a hipster, but actually the complete opposite. Anti-hipsters can be difficult to describe because unlike an actual hipster, they do not have definite characteristics. An anti-hipster may have heard the term hipster before, but being unfarmiliar with labels, they wouldn't know what a hipster actually is or how to spot one. While hipsters are actually very unoriginal while claiming to be so very original, every anti-hipster is completely different from another. A hipster shops at Urban Outfitters, an anti-hipster gets their clothes from a number of places. They may make them, find them, steal them, or just buy them from any store they please, because they are not concerned with labels, which actually means they arent anti-hipsters. They probably arent anything. Usually spotted with a group of almost-hipsters or by themselves, the anti-hipster is a rare sighting.-Urban Dictionary

I shall begin by saying that I have quite a few personality quirks. One of these quirks involve the tendency to avoid anything which has suddenly and quickly become popular, be it music or style, recycling or grammar. Usually, such are passing fads that have their brief moment in the sun, only to be tossed away the next day, like (something that does that). It's not that I think that whatever the fad may be is bad, it's that I just don't want to get carried away with whatever everybody else thinks is cool; I don't care how talented Maroon 5 is, I will resist all my friends who say they're so great, if only to be a contrast to all of the hype.

But this isn't about Maroon 5 (as much as you would like it to be). The point is, I avoid fads like the plague. If the plague were popular (again), I would avoid it. And throughout the years, this attitude has served me well:

-I didn't buy a house when everyone was doing that and, as I understand it, buying houses caused the economy to collapse.

-I never hated the Dixie Chicks. I don't know that there is a positive result of this, but whatever.

More recently, I have found that my narrative has lent itself to living amongst, what society has termed, "Hipsters." As a result, many of my actions are reactionary to what could be called the Hipster-movement. A counter-culture to the counter culture.


This led to a friend of mine asking a very interesting question a few weeks ago:

Him: Hey, (my name), Did you know that you were a hipster?

Me: Actually, yes. I just figured it out last week.




I had come to such a realization purely by accident. I mean, the definition of a hipster is somewhat subjective and fickle, but here is a snippet of urbandictionary.com's take on it:


Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter. 1



Conversely, I value: dependent thinking, counter to the counter-culture, regressive politics, depreciation of art and indie-rock, ineptitude, obtuseness and mundane conversation.

But essentially, I am just embracing an alternative viewpoint for the sake of being alternative. Which is a defining characteristic of hipsters. It was only a matter of time until their clothing, music, and grammar caught up to me.

Music is a prime example. I will generally give music a chance. I will listen to anything that the "music snobs" deem offensive or unworthy. Anything except what they are currently listening to. I won't listen to that. And even when I feel like I've gotten better- listening to Arcade Fire (by the way, what is that?) and Sufjan (not a name), because I shouldn't let what others do effect me- I don't care what they think, etc. And that is a perfectly hipster reaction.

This goes along with my (non-apple) computer and (non-iphone) phone. These stereotypical hipster accessories I avoid. But if a real hipster found themselves in a culture where everybody had iphones (as I do), would they own them? Probably not.

The real trick, I think is to prove someone isn't a hipster. Next time you see someone wearing a Wal-Mart t-shirt and listening to Joel Osteen and you think he's behind the times, think again: He's just a hipster being ironic.

Iron Man 2 Review (and also a review of last night in general)

Dear Internet,

As a way of parting company, last night, my dgroup and I decided to partake in that ancient ritual of going to the picture show. We went to see the latest craze amongst the kids these days, Iron Man 2. And although it has received high marks from many, I left the theater wondering about all the loose ends... It started about ninety seconds into the film, when the camera panned over a Time Magazine cover, I thought to myself,

I don't remember Iron Man being Time's Man of the Year
...
Nor on trial in front of a Judicial Senate committee (or whatever that was).
...
I'm not sure these events actually even happened!

I was going to have something in here calling the Iron Man suit a 'wardrobe malfunction', but I realized that phrase got overused and unfunny 3 seconds after I heard it the first time. Actually, those three seconds were fairly pedantic as well.

Also, there where many other questions that never got answered. Although, that was partially because I chose to escort myself off the premises a bit prematurely(regardless of what the employees of a certain Warren Theater tell you...but boy, I can tell you they do hate liveblogging). Nevertheless, I can assure you the rest of the movie went something like this:

Blah Blah Blah Tony Stark
Blah Blah Blah Gwyneth Paltrow
Blah Blah Blah Rosemay Clooney (I temporarily forgot her name).
Jon Favreau
Sam Jackson

So instead, I am going to tell you what should have happened based on what I watched at home. The movie I watched was Jurassic Park, and I am giving you an italicized critique of it, staring Iron Man. (It's italicized mostly because I can't work my blog's dashboard).




Summer hasn't even hit, and the blockbusters are ROAR-ing out of the gate. That's right, our first big flick of the season, Iron Man vs. Jurassic Park (or IMVJP), was a timeless, futuristic, galvanizing thrill ride. Too scared to go outside? That's ok- Iron Man is here to protect America and her interests. Unfortunately, this doesn't include rich British guys that own islands of the coast of Costa Rica. Robert Downey is memorable as the comedic Tony Stark (who eventually gets eaten) Sam Jackson reprises his role as guy in lab coat that gets eaten. Rosemary Clooney is either granddaughter or grandmother of the rich British guy (who, if you didn't know, got eaten at the end of the first book). Gwyneth Paltrow plays a velociraptor. Who kills everyone. Still, the Iron Man suit is toxic for dinosaurs, so she dies, too. Fin






Next, I proceeded to the Greek vs. Geeks birthday party, where people dress as one or the other option.

Good party/dance time with everyone. Hey, look. No italics.

pax.

p.s. - for all those Iron Man 2 apologists out there, the movie was actually pretty entertaining.

Proof of purchase

As a direct result of my friend L'chaim, I have put it upon myself to present another poem of my own. (In addition to the posts from November, 2006).

Proof of Purchase

Twilight’s glare, Love is lost.

Was the pain, worth the cost?

Adam’s plight, nigh forgot.

With Love’s life, what have you bought?

In the press, Love’s defeat.

Grief until, work’s complete.

Love betrayed, charge declared.

Fight is lost, no one spared.

Beyond the glare, Love is lost.

Was the price, worth the cost?

Foundations shake, tears are shed.

Love not found, amongst the dead.

‘Tis confirmed, faith survived.

Joy restored, Love alive!

Morning’s glare, Love redeemed,

Cost was naught, what it seemed.

IT'S OFFICIAL - SKOLNICK SAYS SAYONARA, SOONERS

Say it ain't so, Skolnick

NORMAN (Reuters)- Bleakness is never something to be embraced. And it was certainly bleak on this cold January day, when the most prolific philosopher to be seen in a generation decided to turn his back on the university who had welcomed him back only one year ago. At a press conference yesterday, Skolnick announced his intentions to forgo the final years of his amateur status, and pursue a career in professional philosophy.

"At this point, there is nothing left for me to accomplish at the collegiate level," he said. "I feel I have honed my philosophy to the point that I am going to declare myself eligible for April's Philosophical Draft. At this point, I have not contacted an agent, but I am willing to receive gifts from them. I am registered at Pottery Barn. And T. J. Maxx."

Let no one say this conclusion caught them off guard. From his website, www.iwant$$.com, to his constant tweets ("i turn pro soon," "i can't wait to get out of here," "i hope noone reads my twitter"), to his incomplete first semester, to his incessant taunting of professors ("nice try, no-brain," "not in my house"), to an injury riddled summer which made a spectator out of him.
Nevertheless, this leaves some large shoes to fill in Sooner country.

"Needless to say, he was always looking at his other options, and he felt that this best suited him," said a university spokesperson. "Are we distraught? Yes. Do we have a difficult time thinking of a reason to wake up in the morning? Of course. Is it even possible to begin to search for a replacement of someone so prolific? No. Do we have any reason to hope at all? I can't think of one."

It was depressing. But, for obvious reasons there is plenty hope to be had amongst the professional philosophy aficionados. And with the philosophical draft just around the corner, the league is abuzz with plenty of speculation on which team will be fortunate enough to select him.

"Oh, it's a forgone conclusion for sure. Skolnick will certainly be selected first," said one league GM. "The only question is which team will offer enough for a trade. The Nietzchites have the first choice, but they won't give it up without someone offering them the whole farm. They have been the philosophical dormats for awhile, now and they do not intend to stay there.

"Their other concern is Skolnick's philosophical style. The Nietzchites do have incentive to exchange their pick because their style does not mesh well with the abilities of Skolnick. They are afraid of corruption from the inside out. This, of course, leaves plenty of reason to speculate about others who are willing to deal for the choice- Wittgensteinians, Kierkegaardians, Cartesians."

The landscape of philosophy is in the process of a great change. On the brink of oblivion, it had been forgotten. Can it be saved, resurrected from the apathetic place it has in the minds of the public? Only time will tell, but for now, it looks like it will be worth the wait.

the plague

the swine flu is not the problem.
the Nobel Peace Prize is no cause for alarm.
Our enemy has shown its face. Shall we cower into the night?

or

SHALL WE FIGHT!!!!!!!!







"That's what she said."

Since when is a phrase our enemy? A threat to our national security? Something that makes baby Jesus cry?

Well, I believe it is time for the smoke alarm to be rung. Really, since when is it considered acceptable to take the catch phrase of an acknowledged dolt and make it our own? Since now.

I have no problem with Michael Scott using the phrase. He actually does well with it; the writers are actually poking fun at the type of people who would embrace that kind of humor- and, inadvertently, they found that this group consisted of: most of their viewing audience. You can even tell by the writing, that they are already tiring of this schtick. Mr Scott, of recent has used it quite sparingly. They don't want to write him into a corner, so they are trying to let us forget about it. But I doubt that will happen.

I used to be like you. I was once as carefree and happy. A few people were saying "that's what she said," but they mostly consisted of those who are unable to acheive on a level field of play. Then, slowly at first, intelligent and coherent people started following suit. But they grew in number, that number unintelligible in so many ways. Now, the contaigion has spread so far that anyone could be a potential carrier. I can no longer listen for signs of acuity and base my conclusion on this. The dreaded phrase could emanate from any local source.

My only source of hope is that, by some miracle of God, there will be some sort of vaccine or cure developed before the disease reaches myself and the ones I love. Current research has come to a standstill, but if I understand correctly, we can use frog DNA to complete the code, and Bingo! A cure! Now, just like any good vaccine, this one gets you a little sick with the virus you were trying to avoid in the first place. So, if you would just bear with me temporarily...

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

THA--

THAT-

th-

(heavy breathing)








(heavy breathing continues)







(I'm kind of out of shape)






I think I am done. And that's all it takes. If you want to be completely healed of saying something that is totally not funny at all (only if you are smart; if you aren't, then don't worry about it), then say the dreaded phrase 4-10 times and ye shall be healed (1).



















1. Ye may not be healed. It's really up to ye.